Healing is a deeply personal journey, but it’s also one that is profoundly enhanced by the connections we make with others. While self-care is essential, there is an undeniable truth that we are better together. When we seek out healthy relationships for co-regulation and surround ourselves with a community that supports, challenges, and nurtures us, healing takes on a deeper and more holistic dimension. Co-regulation paired with community offers a unique opportunity for healing because it provides a safe space to grow, not in isolation, but in connection with others who share similar goals, beliefs, and aspirations.
The Power of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process by which our emotional states are influenced and regulated through our relationships with others. Think of it as emotional harmony: when you interact with someone who is calm, centered, and emotionally regulated, their steady presence helps you regulate your own emotions. It’s a kind of emotional synchrony that can help soothe stress, anxiety, and trauma.
Co-regulation is particularly vital for healing because it not only provides a sense of emotional safety but also reminds us that we don’t have to face our struggles alone. Whether it’s through a comforting conversation with a friend or the soothing energy of a supportive community, these connections help recalibrate our nervous systems, enabling us to process our emotions and move toward healing.
Why We Are Better Together
Human beings are social creatures, and we thrive on connection. We are better together because our collective energy provides the emotional and psychological resources needed to heal, grow, and transform. Healing is not just about fixing ourselves individually; it’s about growing together as a community.
A supportive community fosters a sense of belonging, which is crucial for emotional well-being. When we feel understood, accepted, and seen, it can ease the sense of isolation that often accompanies personal struggles. Having people who encourage us, offer advice, or simply listen creates a safe, emotionally regulated environment in which healing becomes more possible.
Being in a community also provides accountability, pushing us to keep striving toward our goals. The motivation and support of others encourage perseverance and resilience, especially when times get tough.
We All Want a Place to Belong Because it Feels Good!
Connecting with others has a profound impact on our brain chemistry, boosting key neurotransmitters that regulate mood, stress, and overall well-being. When we engage in positive social interactions, our brain releases oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which promotes trust, emotional connection, and reduces stress. At the same time, dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, increases, enhancing motivation, pleasure, and reinforcing positive social behaviors. Social connection also helps regulate serotonin, a neurotransmitter that stabilizes mood, fosters feelings of happiness, and combats anxiety and depression. Additionally, engaging with loved ones can lower cortisol, the stress hormone, reducing tension and promoting relaxation. Even simple acts like hugging, laughing, or engaging in deep conversations can help synchronize our nervous systems, creating a biochemical environment that supports emotional resilience, mental clarity, and overall health.
Sharing Common Goals and Beliefs
One of the most powerful aspects of community is when people share similar values, beliefs, or goals. This common ground creates a foundation for connection and emotional regulation. When we are surrounded by others who hold similar beliefs or are working toward similar aspirations, it becomes easier to feel understood and supported.
This sense of shared purpose is vital for healing. Whether it’s spiritual beliefs, personal development goals, or a commitment to well-being, having a group of people who are on a similar path offers encouragement and solidarity. We can lean on each other when the road gets rough, share knowledge, and celebrate victories together.
Embracing Diversity: Challenging Ourselves Through Other Perspectives
While sharing similar goals and values is important, diversity in thought and perspective is equally powerful. Healing is not just about feeling supported by people who agree with us, but also about being open to challenging ourselves through the perspectives of others.
When we step outside of our comfort zones and engage with people who may have different viewpoints, we open ourselves up to growth. This diversity allows us to see the world through new lenses, offering opportunities for learning, empathy, and personal development. By engaging with others who challenge our assumptions, we develop the skills to navigate conflict, strengthen our resilience, and expand our emotional intelligence.
Moreover, these diverse perspectives often offer fresh insights into our own healing processes. A community that is open-minded and encourages dialogue helps us confront our own biases and blind spots, ultimately fostering growth, healing, and self-awareness.
“You show me your friends, I’ll show you your future!” Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker.
Why we need the right people to connect with:
Positive, supportive relationships can help regulate our nervous system, while toxic or stressful connections can disrupt our balance. So, when we choose the right friends—those who nurture and uplift us—we are not only improving our emotional health but also boosting our physical well-being, fostering harmony in both mind and body. Heart Rate Variability (HRV) is a measure of the variation in time between each heartbeat, and it serves as an important indicator of our overall health and well-being. A higher HRV typically signifies a well-balanced, resilient nervous system, while a lower HRV can indicate stress, fatigue, or an imbalanced emotional state. What many don’t realize is that the people we surround ourselves with can directly affect our HRV.
HRV and Synchronization with Others:
When we’re in the presence of others, especially in emotionally connected and regulated interactions, our HRV can synchronize with theirs in a process called coherence or entrainment. This means that our heart rates and nervous systems align with the people around us, leading to a kind of emotional and physiological harmony. This can happen consciously or unconsciously—when we’re around someone calm and grounded, for example, our body often follows suit.
This synchronization happens because our nervous systems are constantly picking up cues from each other. Our heart rate, breathing, and even our body posture can adjust in response to others’ energy, creating a kind of vibrational resonance. When we feel safe, supported, and understood, our HRV tends to increase and becomes more stable, which in turn supports our emotional and physical well-being.
Why “Vibes” Matter: The idea of “vibes” is actually rooted in these physiological and emotional processes. When people talk about someone having “good vibes,” they are often describing an energy that resonates positively with others’ emotional and physiological states. This resonance can help regulate our own nervous systems, bringing a sense of calm, safety, and connection.
Conversely, when we are in the presence of someone with negative or unstable energy—whether it’s anxiety, anger, or stress—our nervous systems may react by lowering our HRV and increasing our stress levels. We might feel drained or agitated, and it may take longer for us to regain a sense of balance.
In short, when we engage with others whose emotional states are regulated, our HRV can synchronize with theirs in a beneficial way. This sense of resonance not only promotes healing but fosters deeper emotional connection, creating an environment where both individuals can thrive.
In community, whether through co-regulation or connection, the collective HRV of a group can amplify the positive effects of synchronization. People who are emotionally attuned to one another help elevate the overall well-being of the group, creating a supportive environment where healing, growth, and balance are not only possible, but nurtured.
So, when people say “vibes matter,” they’re recognizing the profound impact our emotional and physiological states have on one another—and why being mindful of the energy we bring into our interactions can be so transformative.
Strategies for Finding Your Tribe with the Right Vibe
Finding your tribe—the group of people who will support you, challenge you, and help you grow—is essential for personal healing and growth. But how do you find this community? Here are some strategies to help guide you on your journey:
- Be Clear About Your Values and Goals: Take time to reflect on what you value most and what your healing journey looks like. Whether it’s emotional health, personal growth, spiritual development, or another goal, knowing what you’re looking for will help you find a community that shares those aspirations.
- Seek Out Like-Minded Spaces: Attend local events, support groups, or online communities that align with your values and goals. Whether it’s a faith-based group, a mental health support network, or a personal development workshop, these spaces can offer opportunities to meet people who share your interests.
- Engage in Activities that Reflect Your Passions: Join clubs, volunteer groups, or workshops that resonate with you. Pursuing your passions not only brings healing but connects you with others who have similar interests. Shared experiences create a natural foundation for relationships to blossom.
- Be Open to New Perspectives: Don’t be afraid to venture outside of your usual circles. Engaging with people from different backgrounds, cultures, and belief systems helps to broaden your perspective and encourages growth. The beauty of diversity lies in the opportunities for learning and expanding your worldview.
- Build Relationships Slowly: Healing is a gradual process, and so is building meaningful connections. Take your time to cultivate trust and deepen your relationships. Start with small conversations and slowly grow the bonds of support and understanding.
- Create Spaces for Vulnerability: A tribe is built on mutual support and emotional safety. Foster an environment where people can share openly without fear of judgment. Whether it’s through group discussions, social media spaces, or personal conversations, vulnerability is key to deepening connections.
Healing Through Co-Regulation, Community: How Connection Brings Us Back to Ourselves
As mentioned, healing is a deeply personal journey, but it’s not one that we need to take alone. While individual healing is essential, we must also recognize the profound impact that community, connection, and co-regulation have on our nervous system and overall well-being. To understand how this works, let’s explore Polyvagal Theory, which offers a powerful lens through which to view our emotional experiences and how healing happens.
At its core, Polyvagal Theory helps us understand the connection between our nervous system and emotional regulation, revealing why community and connection are essential for healing. When our nervous system becomes overwhelmed, we may find ourselves isolating. This response is natural, but it’s also important to understand how to compassionately emerge from this state and return to the world around us when we’re ready.
Polyvagal Theory and the Overwhelmed Nervous System
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how the autonomic nervous system governs our emotional responses through three primary states: social engagement, fight-or-flight, and freeze. The theory suggests that when we experience stress or trauma, our nervous system reacts in ways that influence how we interact with the world.
Social Engagement System: This is the optimal state for connection, where we feel safe and engaged with others.
Fight-or-Flight Response: When we perceive a threat, our body shifts into survival mode, preparing us to fight or flee.
- Freeze/Shutdown: When stress becomes too overwhelming, we may feel frozen or detached, shutting down our emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves.
When we experience overwhelming stress or trauma, our nervous system may become dysregulated, and we can slip into a state of shutdown or isolation. In these moments, it’s as if we retreat into a protective “cocoon” to allow ourselves space to process and restore. This isolation is often a way to self-soothe when we don’t feel safe enough to connect with others. However, prolonged isolation, without support or connection, can make it harder for us to heal.
What Happens When We Isolate: A Polyvagal Perspective
When we become overwhelmed, whether by stress, trauma, or emotional exhaustion, our nervous system enters a state of shutdown. This is our body’s way of protecting us, but it can lead to emotional and physical withdrawal. In this state, we may feel disconnected, numb, or emotionally distant, which can make it challenging to re-engage with the world around us.
From a polyvagal perspective, this response is part of the body’s defense mechanism—an automatic way to cope with overwhelming stimuli. However, prolonged isolation and being in this “cocoon” stage can prevent us from healing fully. When we are isolated for too long, the body’s system doesn’t get the benefit of co-regulation, which, as mentioned earlier, is the process by which we regulate our emotions in the presence of others who are emotionally stable.
In the cocoon stage, it’s important to honor your need for rest and space. There is no need for shame or guilt about this withdrawal; it’s a natural response to overwhelm. But it’s essential to recognize that, while isolation can be healing temporarily, long-term withdrawal can deepen feelings of disconnection, depression, and anxiety.
Compassionate Ways to Come Out of Overwhelm and Isolation
- Acknowledge Your Need for Rest: Understand that withdrawing is a natural coping mechanism. You are not failing or weak. Your body is trying to protect you, and it’s okay to honor that need for rest. Instead of feeling guilty for isolating, treat yourself with compassion and understanding.
- Allow Yourself to Heal at Your Own Pace: When you’re in overwhelm, it’s important to avoid forcing yourself to re-engage too quickly. Healing is a gradual process. Instead of focusing on expectations, give yourself permission to take things one step at a time. Small acts of self-care, such as breathing exercises, grounding techniques, or journaling, can help your nervous system begin to regulate. Neurofeedback brain training has tremendous success in helping individuals to heal quickly and efficiently.
- Find Safe, Gradual Ways to Reconnect: When the time feels right, begin to step out of isolation slowly. Reconnect with a trusted friend, a supportive family member, or even a therapist. Choose people who make you feel safe, grounded, and understood. Don’t rush it—take small steps to re-engage, allowing your nervous system to recalibrate in the presence of a calm and emotionally regulated person.
- Trust Your Gut and Intuition: Listening to your intuition is critical when deciding who to allow into your world. Your body often knows who is safe and who might bring more stress or dysregulation into your life. Trust your gut instincts about who you feel emotionally safe with, and set healthy boundaries with those who may not be supportive or understanding of your healing process.
- Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries: Continue to prioritize self-care as you come out of isolation. This includes setting clear, healthy boundaries with people who might drain or overwhelm you. Remember that it’s okay to say “no” to social engagements or situations that feel too much. Self-care isn’t just about pampering yourself; it’s about protecting your energy and ensuring that your nervous system stays balanced.
Let’s Review: How Connection, Co-regulation, and Community Heal
According to Polyvagal Theory, the key to healing is the ability to co-regulate—to engage with others in a way that allows our nervous systems to synchronize in a calm, balanced state. When we are surrounded by people who are emotionally regulated and supportive, our bodies can attune to their sense of safety and stability, helping us to feel grounded and healed.
Community and Connection: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation; it happens in connection. When you re-enter community, it’s important to engage with those who can provide emotional safety and consistency. This doesn’t necessarily mean a large group; it could be a close-knit circle of individuals who make you feel seen, heard, and understood.
Co-regulation: Co-regulation is the emotional balancing act that happens when we interact with others in safe, supportive ways. When we are in the presence of emotionally stable people, our nervous system has the opportunity to return to a regulated state. This connection fosters healing and emotional growth.
By listening to our gut, maintaining healthy boundaries, and allowing ourselves to gradually re-engage with supportive people, we can begin to heal. This process of connection, co-regulation, and compassionate engagement restores balance to our nervous system, helping us come out of isolation and move toward healing.
Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Healing is not a linear process, and it’s perfectly okay to retreat into your cocoon when your nervous system needs rest. In fact, these moments of isolation are a natural response that allows us to process and restore. But remember, re-engagement and connection are powerful tools for healing when approached with care and consideration for your emotional needs. Connection, community, and coregulation are for emotional and physical healing.
Healing is not a solitary endeavor—it’s a collective experience. Co-regulation and community provide the emotional and psychological framework necessary to thrive. By surrounding ourselves with people who share our values and challenge us to grow through different perspectives, we find the support, motivation, and resilience to heal. Trust your nervous system to guide you, honoring your boundaries, listening to your intuition, and choosing those who help you feel safe.
Together, we are stronger. Together, we heal. So let’s step forward, not in isolation, but as part of a tribe that nurtures, challenges, and empowers us. Life is full of stress, but with the right community to surround and lock arms with us, we are better equipped to embrace the blessings of being better together and all the healing that awaits.
Blessings,
Marly